I'm baaaaaaack (for now)

Finals are here, and I of course being a very efficient utilizer of time thought now would be the perfect occasion for a blog update.

I'm still deactivated until 2011 (which makes this whole thing sound rather dramatic) but fortunately Maia isn't and even more fortunately she is still receiving creepy messages from weirdos. Case in point, see the follwoing sent from a 44 year old bisexual man from Petoskey Michigan.

if'n

Dec. 15, 2010 – 4:07pm

If I could stand bad TV, then would ask you out for a slice of pie, which you probably wouldn't be inclined to do with somebody living in the distant tundra and approaching its hundredth birthday. If, if, and if you even get this through your filters. I will be in A2 next week and there til new years if you're looking for somebody to walk barefoot through Eberwhite Woods with...

~kev

Kev loves "learning languages" and you can tell by the occasional Spanish word peppered throughout his profile (like "mis pasatiempos"). He also describes himself as adventurous, engaged and egalitarian." Not sure exactly what he means by "egalitarian" in the context of a dating website. 

His response to the "What am I doing with my life?" is Enjoying the adventure called "life". I'm a bit confused by the quotation marks. 

Gandhi (and people who love treacle cliches) would be very proud of his, what I am assuming is not ironic, answer to the "I'm really good at" section which is "opening doors of opportunity, and being the change I want to see in the world."

The worst and in my opinion most unforgivable part of the entire profile is his answer to the "you should message me if" section: open to meeting strangers, hearing their stories, learning from their stories, living, living, and living actively, not in front of a TV, but engaging in conversation, preferable with drinks and maybe even smoky treats........ if you desire to expand your horizons.

Thanks Kev you have provided me even more evidence for my theory about the direct correlation between being snotty about television and being an insufferable douchebag.

Guest Blogger Jenna: Autism

I've been up since 430am today. It's awful. I've stopped sleeping because I get anxious I'll oversleep and lose my job which (a) wouldnt happen, (b) is insane, (c) so, so insane. luckily okcupid.com is open at 4am, so i can still surf the web for hotties.

let's talk about emoticons for a second. i know this is probably a very controversial issue. my opinion (which you might not give a shit about, but you're reading this, aren't you?) is that they really shouldn't be used. IF YOU MUST use them, one per message max. Also, the emoticon seems to be a nervous tick like the ''LOL'' (which, I think is the WORST, way worse than the emoticon). Almost like the 'um' of the written word. You don't know what to say, so you throw in that damn smiley face whenever you feel awkward. Another nervous tick of internet dating has to be the 'haha'. I don't mind a haha when something is actually funny, but it's overused and people say it when they don't actually think anything is funny. For example, "my dog died haha :)". Not cute.

I'm also curious to hear thoughts on regular messages v. instant messages. The instant message on okcupid makes me feel violated. Especially when I haven't looked at your profile, and then I can look at it right after but you KNOW I'm looking at it (literally, they tell you) and then I don't answer so you think I'm a shallow bitch. The instant message is like going from 0-60. It's sleeping with someone on the first date. It's too much too soon. Maybe this is why I'm single, I can't even handle the instant message. Whenever I sign on I'm bombarded with awful screen names such as, 'supersexyguy" asking if i would like to chat with a ''well hung italian guy''. WHY YES! i've been searching okcupid.com for weeks now just to find an italian man with a large penis. done and done. let's meet.

Currently I have two message threads active right now. One is a guy who is creepy, but I answer because he seems nice and I feel sorry for ignoring him. I think he might be gay, which is great. He asked me, ''if you are a lawyer, why don't you buy a house instead of rent an apartment?" muahahaahaha. Also he references me going to the beach in every message, like I live at the beach and never work, which unfortunately, is not the truth. On Monday he wrote, ''i bet youre going to spend all day at the beach!". well, weirdo, you just told me i'm rich because i'm a lawyer, so wouldn't that mean I work? More nervous ticks. More autism.

The other guy seems...normal? Which is bizarre. We actually have FB friends in common. He's a prosecutor (vomit) and clearly cheap because he uses a free website like i do. Of course I'm already very into this because it is a romantic comedy waiting to happen (prosecutor and public defender fall in love via internet dating site, hilarity ensues), but we've moved on to REAL email (he even has gmail account! I always find it susper bizarre when someone uses another form of email) but he has yet to ask me to meet. I'll grow some balls and ask him, I guess. This one is only a bit autistic. He uses one emoticon per message (wish he'd stop...) and emails me from the courtroom when he's bored at work (points for not being so impressed with yourself that you don't fuck around on your phone at work, and that you have an iphone, because honestly men without iphones are a strange breed these days).

Anyway, I'm sure he's a huge freak. We'll see what happens.

More Online Dating by Actual Lawyers

Although I wish to remain anonymous, my online dating experience has been one for the books.  A recent Michigan Law Grad, I moved to a medium sized town in the South.  Given that I am from the North and know maybe 2-3 people in the area that are not coworkers (plus the coworkers at my firm do not hang out together all that often) I said why not try online dating.  I figured if I was going to do it, to go all out and do Match, OkCupid and eHarmony (after I was told they now allow homosexual choices.)  Let me say there are slim pickings out there ladies.  As someone who is known for making a typo or grammatical error or two, I am very understanding when someone else messes up.  However, after being on these dating sites, I worry about the public education of our schools.

Let's start with the OkCupid messages I have gotten -

From Koper87

What's up Pisces? Been finding any bait swimming around here?

Apparently my lack of response did not deter him, and he IMed me as I am typing this with -

[12:53:06 pm]Koper87:hey
[12:53:26 pm]Koper87:you do look pretty awesome
I do not even need to talk about this, its that awkward.

From Enimemins120

heyyy

welcome to the area...where did you move from?

Seriously, you heyyyed me?  You do not know me.  That is your move?

Hallo

Hey there,
my name is Konstantinos or konstantine if it's easier for you!I went over your profile and i think that you are very interesting and VERY beautiful so i would LOVE to get to know more about you!
If you 'd like maybe we could chat sometime!I HARDLY ever get on here so if you want you can find me on facebook where i spend most of my "online" time talking to my friends and my family back home!So you want you can find me there with my email kfountas13 y a h o o
I hope to here from you soon!
Till then,

Its Hello,  also why the random words in capital letters?  Hardly capitalized, seriously?

This one started out with some possibility...

I know that I'm a year older than what your looking for, just wanted to let you know that you look amazing. If your interested, you can email me at xxxxx@yahoo.com or text me at xxxxx. Have a great night.

However, the next message asked me what I was looking for on the site and after the a relationship would be great, if not friends would be nice since I just moved to the area, blah blah blah response.  I asked him what he was looking for, as is polite.  He responds

 I'm looking for someone to start a family with, thats it. I have plenty of friends.

Yea not going to have your babies right now.

And last, but not least...

From ericcohn

my name is eric and im looking for happyness im a good person and im not a comp person so please if you have any ? please ask ok then

Really?  I mean really? 

 Later I will reveal the wonders that awaited me on Match and eHarmony.  Most of the messages I got were in the form of "hey" or "wanna chat" on OkCupid.  That line does not even work in most bars guys...oh maybe that is why they are on an online dating site.  Not that I can judge, given that I too am on the site. 

Guest Contributor: When You Say TTYL, You Seem Gay.

and not that that's a bad thing. i'm a liberal, and so are you i bet, so we love gays. love them maybe a bit too much? as in, you don't date straight men because youre too into the gay ones, right? i know. been there. am there. time to move on. so, i hit up okcupid.com to help me out. and mostly because my state government salary does not allow me to take part in such luxuries like match.com.

so i was just on okcupid, browsing the hotties of south florida (which, by the way, consists of many screen names containing variations of 'cuba' and lots of men who are under 5'7) when i get an instant message. this was shocking because i didn't know this feature exists. i've been using the system for a about a week and no one has IM'd me yet (fml). anyway, i quickly checked out the guy's profile, and it didn't scream 'im a fucking creep' so i answered him. we spoke for about 2 mins. he asked my name, where i was from, pointed something out about my profile (an onlne dating staple, i've learned) and then he goes, ''okay, i have to go. what's your email? TTYL.''

WHY? okay, i speak type and write in abbreviations. but, im a girl. and call me sexist (seriously, call me sexist, i am) but girls can get away with that. men cannot. 29 year old men trying to score dates and/or sex on a free internet dating site seriously need to watch what they type. TTYL is the internet equivalent to doing a line while listening to lady gaga and getting a BJ in the bathroom of the bar. it's just really gay.

so, in conclusion, i gave him my email. my real email. not even the fake one i set up to try and trick the people on match.com with. (yes, i made a match.com profile and tried to put my email in it so i didn't have to pay. what do you know, match.com rejected my profile.) but tough times call for desperate measures. online dating is weird. it's pretty desp. but i'll own it for now. and who knows? maybe 'ttyl' will work out? ha. ha. ha.

Temporary Hiatus

Temporarily deactivated my OKCupid account, and blog is going on hiatus. Will restart in January 2011. Guest contributors welcome.

Lots of failed poets are coming out of the woodwork

Hi !

Nov. 8, 2010 – 7:59pm

If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away. I just looking for friendship in the beginning of a relationship. Someone that I just can hang out with in the beginning. Then take it to the next level. Email me back to see what could happen

*squirm*

hiya

Nov. 5, 2010 – 6:36pm

if you stood infront of a mirror holding 11 roses youd be looking at the 12 most beautiful things in the world :)


So... this message really doesn't need much commentary, but I will say it is kind of strange that he said 11 roses.

Even if I wanted to (which I don't) how would i go about responding?

nothwithstanding the geography, i sort of enjoyed reading your profile. matthew / chicago 

Like would I say "Thanks?" 

Huh?

Ann Arbor

Oct. 28, 2010 – 7:05pm
Hello,
if I tell you the place in Ann Arbor would you take a picture of that place for me? :)
I think that would be a nice gift for my aunt who was living there for many years :)

But I don't know where the place is... some gazebo near the university I think but I'm not sure... have to ask.

He lives in Poland...

Some More Terrible Usernames

Smart_Guy_00
HatePotionNo9
IfIApologized (First sentence on his profile: My best friends call me an asshole, and thats a compliment.)
skeptimistic21
driven_optimist

captain_happy69
Shy_and_Single
Broken-Chris
Discretelyelite
NotaDbag80
rustydusty4u (yes he has red hair)
Girafterbirth
LonelyRomeo1

Everything you ever wanted to know about OKC but were afraid to ask

Read this

Some highlights:

• guys add 2 inches to their height on average
• women are into money -- men listing higher salaries are much, much more likely to get messages
• the hotter the picture is the more likely it is to be out of date
• the older you are the more likely you are to upload an older photo

Law School Groupie (AKA saddest description of a person imaginable)

 lawyers are my friends

Oct. 25, 2010 – 8:03pm

not because of illegality. i enjoy the dedication to going out you UM law kids exhibit once a week. want to be friends? 

...and yes, Maia received a nearly identical message not too long ago. Trying to get in with the law school crowd shows both a profound sadness and naivete I had before thought impossible.

gauged ear Mr. Darcy makes a reappearance

A few weeks ago I posted an entry about a guy who was my very worst match at that point. Remember the 23 year old with 1/2 inch gauged ears who proudly proclaimed that he doesn't like to read? Well I am a very lucky girl because I just got another message from him: Hi there =] 

The clever message alone nearly convinced me to give him another chance, and he has also added a bit more to his profile. Not only does he have the gauged ears, he also has snake bites (which according to Wikipedia are piercings on either end of the lower lip). He has even softened his staunch anti-reading stance a bit: I don't read books really, cause they don't grab my attention, but I have read Holes and Hatchet and enjoyed both books. I do like reading magazines that are about music or games or electronic. Same as I follow a few blogs online about music and electronics.

Sorry kid, not interested yet but try again in a few months. My standards by then will surely have dropped so low, that I will be more than happy to dust off my 4th grade book report on Hatchet and get some snake bites myself.

Creepy at any age

In order to bring you, my dear readers, the very best in OKC material I have enlisted the help of friends who are also on the site to forward me any absurdness that crosses their path.

Success! Gaby just received the following message:

age doesn't matter

Oct. 23, 2010 – 1:15pm

Are you still looking for a good man? I would travel the world to find the right woman who has a heart of gold with lips of fire, with hands that touch you as soft as falling feathers through the air. One with a smile that lights up the sky. One with love that flows through her eyes. One with a breath as sweet as the spring breeze. So tell me about yourself. You can write me here or call me at 419 210 xxxxMy name is Tony
I am a United States marine. I am one of the few, the proud

It goes without saying that Dungeons & Dragons is a deal breaker right?

Received this message yesterday: I read your profile and you seem really interesting. I would like to get to know you better. 
 Now I hate these kind of messages, because they are just really hard to respond to, at least ask me a question or something. (Not that there was a possibility of me responding in this case anyway. Keep reading.)

Meet this guy, he's a 24 year old D&D enthusiast from Farmington Michigan. His photo is one of the creepiest I've yet seen -- the best description I can come up with is of a young Darth Sideous, with the hood and all.
One of the first things that jumped out to me on his profile was this:
I currently have 2 albino corn snakes as pets. Their names are Opal and Pearl. They are young and only about 2 feet long and about as wide as a dime. Once fully grown they will be 3-4 feet long and a little wider then a beer bottle cap.

I've never had a reason to even consider this before but I feel pretty confident in adding "owns snakes" to my (ever-growing thanks to OKC) list of deal breakers. I'm not even that squeamish about reptiles generally, I just find snakes to be really disturbing animals, and cannot understand why anyone would ever want them as a pet. I'm now imagining going to some guys house and seeing these huge snakes in some large glass tank, and I think I would have to leave. Shudder. Shudder. Shudder.


He also (as already mentioned) makes frequent mention of Dungeons & Dragons.

• Under 6 things I could never do without guess where D&D ranks? Number 1 of course.
• He also spends a lot of time thinking about: D&D campaigns and movie Ideas.
• On a typical Friday night he is: Usually at home working on D&D stuff 
• You should message him If your interested in playing D&D (even if your not interested in dating)

 It is profiles like this that make me want to go into the OKC Profile consulting business.  If I couldn't convince him to remove all references to D&D he really, really needs to limit it to just ONE mention.

...and this could have been me

So Annie Reuter a brunette, bookworm, rock & roll journalist from Brooklyn decided to sign up for Alikewise which is a dating site that matches you with your potential soulmate based on your taste in books.
She wrote this article about the experience.

First of all the whole concept of Alikewise seems incredibly terrible to me, but as someone who considers myself a very poorly-read English major I am not really the target market. I mean there are certain favorite books that would be a deal breaker like The Da Vinci Code, or The Giver (I changed my mind on that guy from a few posts back), or God forbid Mein Kampf, or of course someone who proudly proclaims they hate to read but other than that I don't really care. Now I'm not trying to be super-judgmental about this because I think if the concept seems at all appealing to you then it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to sign up.

My real issue with the article is that Annie just comes across as kind of pathetic. She lists all these red flags about the guy (like he sent her incessant text messages before they met -- some kind of inappropriate and weird) and then she doesn't even like him, but still agrees to a second date, and then she writes a very mean article about him lamenting the fact that she agreed to the second date.

Also, I found the idea that their first date took place at Barnes & Noble and consisted of them walking around the store talking about different books to be really strange. We get it, you like to read. 

Her last paragraph is what pushed me over the edge, The interviewer in me comes out and, surprise, surprise, Mike doesn't seem to mind our one-sided conversation. Sparks aren't flying (can you tell?), but for some reason I agree to a second date, even though I'd rather snuggle up with my new Jimi Hendrix book. Or simply wait for John Mayer. In particular that last sentence. You are really saving yourself for John Mayer Annie?  Really??? REALLY!?!  Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth.

After reading this OKC doesn't seem so bad anymore.  

Either the worst real profile ever or the best joke profile ever

This is the first time I have ever done this but I am going to have to post this person's entire profile. I started writing a blog about how ridiculous and depressing his profile was, but then I realized it is just a bit too over the top. Nobody can be this terrible? In fact it seems almost brilliant in that his terribleness is masked in all this very slight self-deprecation --only enough to make it even more terrible -- but enough so that a 22 year old girl would probably be fooled:

My Self Summary:
Hello there!
I have never done the online dating thing so this will be a first for me. Please be gentle.
I am a senior engineer for Ford Motor Co. I like fast cars. :) I make good money so that won't impress me much if that's your angle. I don't mind taking care of my girl. I'm the type who will open doors for you and cuddle with you and buy you nice things. I hope that doesn't sound too ridiculous in the day and age.
I'm not into the whole one night stand thing. I'm looking for a girl to marry and travel the world with. I hope that girl might be you! I'm not too picky about age, be it older or younger.
I love ice cream! Actually, I love most sweets. I work out pretty regularly so I guess I can get away with some bad eating habits. It is what it is.
I am established, ambitious, and confident  

What I'm doing with my life
Well, like I said I'm an engineer at Ford. I'm looking to advance within the company. Perhaps one day I can break away from it all and become a full-time model. I don't really think I look good enough for that. Oh well. I'm not complaining.  

I'm really good at
Spending money...lol
Jeopardy! I once qualified to appear on Jeopardy but it wouldn't have worked out with my career. It was during crunch time when we were developing a new car. Such is life.
I was a high school quarterback in Florida. I wonder if I would have made it big if I kept that up...
I'm a really good kisser and cuddler. I think I like affection too much.  

The first things people usually notice about me
Usually my car. I drive a Porsche. People can be shallow.   

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
Movies: Stuff like 12 Angry Men, 2001: A Space Odyssey, etc. Nothing too shallow.
I love all kinds of food. I love expensive food. It's usually better. I love taking people to great restaurants.   

I spend a lot of time thinking about 
I spend a lot of time thinking about finding a special woman in my life. I'd like to save up a good chunk of money, marry my sweetheart, and just travel Europe with her.   

The most private thing I'm willing to admit
I'm a real soft-hearted guy. I cry sometimes in movies. I know it doesn't look good but what can I do?  

You should message me if
You should message me if you're tired of playing games and you're looking for someone to complete you. I aim to be that guy.   

This HAS to be a joke right? He is playing on every single ridiculous stereotype of what men envision women wanting from men. I am so tempted to message him and ask him this...

OKCupid has given up on me (and the feeling is mutual)

So I think OKC is now sick of me, and in return I am definitely at my low point with it.

On its end it has stopped giving me new matches in my "quiver" (very poor word choice on their part for sure but think of a quiver in the bow and arrow sense, a la Cupid). Normally they have 3 people who for some strange reason they think I might like. It never works out and I always end up rejecting the matches (and I'm not alone, I've heard from other friends that their "quiver" (eww -- right?) matches are never very good either). BUT OKC has now just stopped giving me new matches. It's been over a week and my quiver remains empty. (I feel like after typing the word "quiver" I have to add a parenthetical disclaimer expressing my disgust after every usage, if you haven't noticed.) Also, while running a search for eligible gentleman tonight I got something on the screen saying that they had run out of people which (paraphrasing) "never happens, unless your search request is too crazy." Is wanting to find a 25-32 year old single guy with at least a college degree and no children w/in 25 miles of Ann Arbor really that crazy?

So anyway OKC the feeling is mutual. There is literally not one person I am interested in on that site. I'm not deactivating my account or anything, and I plan to still keep on blogging when I receive weird messages, but other than that my hope for finding anything beyond fodder for my blog has definitely faded. It has also just been a kind of depressing experience. I have only included the highlights on here (for all of your enjoyment). For every blogworthy guy there are at least 20 average to boring to mediocre to nice enough guys who for whatever reason I have no interest in.

Biggest Disappointment Yet

Now this sucks. Normally I can anticipate that a guy's profile is going to be unappealing based on his message and match percentage. This is the first time that both the message and the match percentage raised no red flags, actually quite the opposite. His message was some ice breaker thing about Bob Dylan (I list Dylan as one of my favorite musicians), our match percentage is 91%, and all three of his pictures are pretty attractive.
Totally promising... until I read this:

My Self-Summary: (in its entirety)
 Come away with me. Come away and we'll go walking through velvet twilight carrying only what we need, our bodies silhouetted beneath the moon as we cross field and meadow, mist wetting our wellworn boots, reaching for each other as we step over ravines, slowly mapping the contours of the land over our life-lined palms, and grinning, feel starlight constellations dance across our traversing bodies. 

Is there any way this is salvageable?

He writes under You Should message me if:
I want your words.
I want to hear you.

You should, you know.

You should. 

My crazy radar is pinging just a bit too loudly on this one. 

Possess The Princess Beauty

Received this message earlier today from the guy from a few posts back who can't spell and likes "VIP Parties."

Hello,
Your exquisite profile has actually enthralled me to at least say Hi to someone who possess the princess beauty as well as the classy mode of living like you. I hope that you are doing just fine!

Mike!

Within about half an hour, I received a gchat message from Maia saying she had gotten the best OkCupid message ever. Lo and behold, Mike(!) sent her the EXACT same message.  Thanks Mike(!)  now I just feel cheap, when before I felt like a classy princess.

I think the best revenge would be for Maia and I to send him back the exact same response.

Delete

New message from AnnArborGuy4u

Joke

I totally have a joke for you. What did the elephant say to the naked man? 

Don't know and don't care.

Also besides that terrible message here are some other tidbits about him from his profile:

• I’m funny, if you can get my jokes.
• I’m smart, and am constantly reading non-fiction books
• I know how to clean up and act like a gentleman but unless it’s an occasion I do not. I’m a country boy born and raised
• I don’t have cable. I think Television is a waste of time.
• I play video games but not as much as I would like too.
• I'm just looking to date right now. If things went well for a couple month I could see myself getting more serious.  

AnnArbornottheGuyforme

Not a good lead in

While helping one of my friends peruse available girls on OkCupid we ran across this profile:

Here is her opener: 

Me: I just got my Masters in holocaust/genocide studies. I read a lot, and I am a comic book collector/enthusiast. Until recently, I kept absurdly busy with work and school, and now I'm working a bit more than full time, and determined to get into a PhD program... eventually.
If you are one of the many men that for some reason at this point thinks, "I think this girl really needs a message telling her that the Holocaust didn't happen," just realize that you are not original, that it's been done, and you have to much fucking time on your hands. Then choke on a cock.
So Holocaust deniers aside, I'm obviously here to meet people. I'm here to meet men. I have no agenda. I'm not opposed to a "relationship", but am also not trolling the internet for a husband. I don't do one night stands, so don't bother if that's your purpose. The situations are too messy, the sex inadequate, and the risk too high.


I personally like to open my online dating profile with a discussion of the Killing Fields, but that's just me...

A Hello...You Know, The Same One Everyone Gets

I'm the mystery new blogger Sarah mentioned a few days ago, Jesse. I'll be here to provide a different perspective from Sarah on the vagaries of OkCupid, as I'm both male and...well, male. Sarah and I are 92% matches on Match, which I think means we're the same person.

Having been on OkCupid for all of a week, I feel as if it is imperative on me to comment on the issue which most heavily dominates my conversations.

Namely, what I do in the city in which I live on weekends, and whether or not it includes going out with friends.

This exchange has come up multiple times. It's an inexplicably contentless exchange, going something like this:

"Jesse,

I do [a job] in [a city], and I [like/dislike] it.

What do you do on the weekends in Ann Arbor?

[Lady-Person]"

I then reply, thinking this is a serious question.

"[Lady-Person],

It varies, really. The past few weekends have been tailgate-heavy, because the purpose of law school seems to be to act like you're in high school living out what you think it was like to be in college. I started doing jigsaw puzzles a few weeks ago, because why wouldn't I? I also started a small dinner club with a couple of friends.

What about you?

Jesse"

The following reply inexorably trudges towards my Inbox, plopping itself in the middle of the conversational space like a stranger who just got back from running a half marathon without deodorant and doesn't quite remember where they live, but is sitting on your couch and wants to know what you're doing tonight:

"I like to hang out with my friends! We have a lot of fun!

Do you do that?"

I have a question. A simple one, really: who thinks this is actual conversation?

Am I some sort of social reprobate who's going to write back and tell you that I like to sit around and sniff my hair collection? Did the tailgate and dinner club, for instance, not clue you in that I do social things with other people? Should I put up a picture of me doing an ice luge at a frat house? Doing an ice luge at your house with my friends while you aren't home?

Now, the interesting thing is what happens when you answer the question in the affirmative. Either you're asked about the bars you drink at, which is generally summarized by "the open ones people want to go to", or you're regaled with stories about how fucked up the person you're talking to got last weekend.

I appreciate legendary drinking stories as much as the next person. Really, I do. But the natural endpoint of electronic flirtation with someone you're hoping put up pictures taken after Bush left office (either one) shouldn't be a story of how close that person came to vomiting on Columbus Day.

Unless it's a really good story that involves actually vomiting on Christopher Columbus, of course.

...and this is why I have a 'no law student (current or former)' rule

Here's a hint: if your My Self Summary section sounds eerily similar to a cover letter you might just want to rethink it.

Though law school made me very pragmatic, analytical, and resourceful, at the core I am still very curious, optimistic, and playful. I was not satisfied with ordinary legal work, and so I'm starting a master's degree in the field of urban land use and environmental planning. Good fortune gave me lots of interesting perspectives on policy and politics; I've been involved in managing a university and an election campaign, writing legislation on good government and the environment, studying in Ireland and Poland, and consulting for a variety of Alaska Native and Native American, women, minority, and veteran-owned small businesses. It is not out of zeal or naiveté that I believe government allows people to do wonderfully constructive things for one another. 

I don't want to hire you either.

Only people with C's or better can attend my parties

In general, I have tried to steer clear of making fun of people for grammatical or spelling errors in their profile (although really couldn't resist the "massage" / "message" confusion of a few posts back) but am breaking my rule for this very special occasion (only including the first question because I think it makes the second answer funnier):

• What I'm doing with my life: As of now completing my Grad degree, but eventually work in Academia. 
• The most private thing I'm willing to admit: I got a D on my undergrad transcrips! 

The real reason this guy is getting his own blog post is not for the above though. Under 6 thing I could never do without he lists, "VIP parties" -- enough said right?

Way to ruin the surprise

Ask and ye shall receive. No sooner did I put up the last post when I received a short message from a guy who is only a 19% match with me. This is the lowest match yet (even lower than the gauged ears non-reader). This guy really, really, really wants a girlfriend it looks like.

I am already feeling suffocated by his My self-summary section:

I live an hour away from most of my friends and family, so I get kinda lonely out here by myself. I’d have to say that I'm a very romantic person. On a first date, Id probably set something up as a surprise. Maybe start with dinner then go out for some drinks. I would like to go ice skating, maybe even roller skating, depending on interests. I might set something up to go on a horse back ride. As the day goes by and night falls around, I would like to possibly go for some drinks to a bar or lounge or something like that to talk, to get to know one another. Maybe see where the night goes. I’m more a giver than anything else! I really wanna make that special person happy. I hate being alone. I’m singing up for this site for a real long-term relationship, so please if your not interested or you’re a club goer, do not email me... (It continues a bit longer about how he is looking for a girl "that knows how to be in a relationship, and that’s not afraid to show it!" and "that knows how to please a man.")

Also by his What I'm doing with my life section
... I live alone which kinda sucks, but hopefully i can change that soon! 

This blog is creating some perverse incentives

Nearly every single message I have received in the past week has been nice and normal and sent from men who seem fine. This should make me happy, but now a part of me is disappointed. Where are all the freaks and losers who messaged me so freely just a few weeks ago?
To solve this lack of good material problem I have recruited a mystery guest blogger. Get excited.

Twenty freakin eight? really?

For my future reference: not a good idea to ask a group of twenty year old boys how old you look.

In other news

Maia received a message with the subject: "Puke Nachos" and the content:
and sweet tears, hmm.
and a link to this video

A quick glance at his profile reveals

• he is Searching for immortal secrets& being strong enough for your love!
•  he is really good at smacking rumps, making elixir medicines
• You should message him if You want to be immortal :D If you wanna talk big FUN. No boring.toxic. souless. typical retardz with shit tastes. suburbia girls 90% of this site = barf *** piss down your back HO with sunshine lollipops x

 I think Maia needs to marry this man.

deal breaker, deal-breaker, dealbreaker

I guess the proper spelling is "deal breaker" -- but I really think it should be spelled "dealbreaker" but am willing to concede that spell check knows best.
I wrote the above (or a version of it) in my profile for some reason -- and lo and behold look at the response it engendered from MichiganTravis:

filter warning?

Anyway.....just was gonna say I probably would go with deal-breaker. Like that warning is a deal-breaker.

later

The "filter warning" is something you can set up so you can filter messages from people for all sorts of reasons. Like I have mine set to filter out people who are below a 70% match with me, live farther than 25 miles from Ann Arbor, and are not between the the ages of 24-33, and maybe a few other things I can't remember. So I'm not sure how it works but I guess when a guy who does not pass my filter tries to message me he gets a message telling him that. Then he can send it anyway. I still receive the message but it doesn't alert my email (like it does when someone who passes my filter messages me) and it tells me at the top of the message that "this user does not pass your filter requirements" -- I think this is another reason why the amount of messages from weirdos has unfortunately (from a blogging perspective) dropped off recently.

So my apologies MichiganTravis, I am sure you are a nice person, but you live 54 miles away from me. Also, really not sure why you are seeming to personally take offense at the fact that I have a filter set up... that my friend is a definite deal breaker.

Yes, a Picture is Worth a Thousand Words (but it depends on the picture)

Since I am basically an OkCupid expert now (I mean in this day and age having a blog devoted to a topic is really more than enough to be considered an expert in it right?)  I would like to offer one important piece of advice to all current or potential online daters: DO NOT USE A MISLEADING PICTURE! Nothing good will come from this I promise.

Here is a perfect example taken from a conversation I had tonight with one of my guy friends who is also on OkC. He had been messaging back and forth with a girl for a few days. She seemed cute from her profile pic -- and he was getting ready to send the "we should meet for coffee" message (which the appropriate time for the coffee message is a subject worthy of its own blog post, and of a spirited debate, but I digress) when right before he is about to send it he notices that she has changed her picture. The new picture is definitely the same girl -- but with an extra 75 pounds. He did not send the coffee message after all. Now the point of this illustration is not to argue whether or not that is right or wrong. We are attracted to who we are attracted to -- and this is after all a dating website (and last time I checked physical attraction was kind of a key component in that whole thing). Now the girl most likely knew the coffee message was coming and realized that she could either post a more accurate picture of herself before it happened or show up and see the look of disappointment in my friend's eyes. (This might sound cruel -- but it's totally true.) If she had posted the second picture to begin with none of this would have happened and it would have saved them both a lot of embarrassment.

This is why it is important to also post more than one picture. Anyone can take at least one good picture in his or her life so that alone doesn't really tell you much. Often I find the guy's main profile picture is fairly attractive, but he looks significantly less attractive in all other pictures he's posted. This of course isn't as bad as just posting the one misleading picture, and maybe is a good strategy if you happen to have a particularly good profile (or are a doctor) as it will increase the odds that a girl will click on your picture and go to your profile and find out how rich, funny or charming you are (or you think you are).

That is definitely one way to view things...

 The coolest part of OkCupid from a dorky perspective is that you get to answer all these questions about often random stuff, and then they match you based on your answers (as a percentage).

This one showed up on my homepage today (when people make changes to their profile or answer more questions it sometimes shows up).

 Dan3point14 explained his answer publicly

Q: Is homosexuality a sin?

A: No, it's not a sin

Explanation: “Lust is the sin it is still as much of a sin reguardless of the person lusted after”

Good thing he added the explanation -- I think that definitely clarifies a lot. 

Dilemma

Is it wrong to just summarily reject a guy who is wearing a beret in all of his photos, even if he seems OK other than that?
On second thought, in his My Self-Summary section he has a paragraph entitled "snippet of my interests:" and he lists "sensuality" so I think I'll pass.

In more positive news, tonight I responded to 2 more guys (who seem relatively normal and decidedly non-creepy) who have messaged me.

"Your blog is kind of depressing"

The reaction to this blog has mainly been positive, but behind every "it's funny" is always a slight look of concern.

To put your mind at ease (unless you are totally into schadenfreude, which is fine I'm the last person to judge someone for that ) not every single guy on OkCupid is completely terrible. As I mentioned in a few of my posts I have cleaned out my inbox and have about 15 messages left that are in some ways promising and that someday I will respond to. (I have actually responded to one so far.)
The problem is that writing about nice, seemingly normal guys is not funny in any way, so the vast majority of this blog will be dedicated to all the jerks, freaks and weirdos that cross my path. enjoy.

Unique?

It's 2AM, I can't sleep so what better way to deal with my apparent insomnia than to do some OKCupid perusing.
Stumbled across a guy with these questions in his profile:

• Does anyone anymore know how to even have a deep intellectual or refreshing conversation anymore?????
• Is there anyone left out there who is eccentric and open-minded like me???
• Is there anyone left that actually knows how to not make primitive assumptions and can actually be socially stimulating anymore???

Was going to include more from his profile -- but it just makes me really sad. He possibly has the longest profile I have ever seen and from what I can gather he is from a fairly conservative family and is probably gay, and is completely confused about everything and this is all manifesting itself in very weird ways. (The questions he asks are really just the tip of the iceberg of strangeness -- he also says "I consider myself a niche market for a lady looking for quality" and other bizarre things.)

Here's hoping it is just a fake profile.

Ugh -- now just feeling bad for this random stranger. I hope he gets some therapy and takes down his profile.

Quite possibly the biggest deal breaker of them all

Deleting a guy who proudly proclaims he has "1/2 inch gauged ears" -- I would reject Mr. Darcy himself (the Colin Firth one even) if he had gauged ears. Just thinking about it now makes me queasy...

...also he says "Books: Don't read books. they dont  interest me really."
...also lists Transformers as one of his favorite movies.
...also is a very religious Christian.
...also we are a 38% match according to OKCupid, meaning "Y'all got issues"

I actually think this kid (he's 23) might be my least compatible match yet. That has to be a good sign right?

Yes I really do mind

New Message (in its entirety):  hi what color are your eyes if you dont mind me asking?

To make things weirder, Maia says that he messaged her with this exact same question a few days ago.

He is also another one who comes across as just too confrontational and aggressive (and not the best speller) in his profile:
I am very blunt person and always tells the truth, I don't lie and I don't play games so if your into that then don't massage me.

An Apparent Answer

The "phone pics" of the previous post are a real source of irritation for me, so I added that as a caveat to my You should message me if saying that you shouldn't message me if you have one of those pictures. I did this last night around the same time I wrote the blog. This morning I wake up to find this:

New Message: Don't hate on the bathroom mirror picture. It is required internet etiquette.

He has a picture of himself (with a shirt on which is the first time I think I've seen that in a "phone pic") taking a picture of himself with his phone in the bathroom mirror.  This wasn't exactly what I was talking about as I have seen some where it is clearly someone else taking the picture of the person taking the picture of himself with his phone.  Do not think I will write back to clarify my point. He lives in Indiana and his profile sounds a little too much like a country song for my taste (and I like country music so I know what I'm talking about):

I'm Tony. Recently turned 30, and one of two computer guys for a small company. I'm trying to quit smoking, drink, and own guns. If the latter is too much for you, just stop. Figured I'd go ahead and get that out of the way.
Persistence and humility with a touch of resolve pretty much iron me out. I am not one to back down from a tough challenge or progress-impeding-blockage. I'm usually the guy sitting at the table enjoying the conversation and fellowship, but when the time requires it, I can hold an audience.
I just recently visited Cedar Point. Top Thrill Dragster and Millennium Force was the absolute highlight of the summer! The only way to ride is with your hands up and feet off the floor of the front coaster car. Wheeeeeeeeeee! 

Honestly, he does seem like a very nice guy -- we just would not be a match (for a lot of reasons).

Question

In all seriousness, why are there so many men who post pictures of themselves taking pictures of themselves with their phone? Honestly, I don't get it.

I believe you...

New Message: read my profile, it's no bullshit : )

From his profile Favorite books, movies, music and food:
 I don't really have a favorite book, I don't get into reading.

Worst Usernames (w/in 25 miles of Ann Arbor)

Starting with the worst: 

1. PathtoSuccess4u
2. angrygeek
3. theguyatthegym
4. tie: carcrazed and CarKrazee
5. imallaboutyou
6. lovesinnerbeauty
7. golfdoctor
8. Liquid_Indigo
9. hairrorist (although Maia likes this one)
10. tie: damnimcool and awesomeness10

Favorite (based on username alone): donjuandraper

If you are looking for a boy to be mean to you, do I have the boy for you...

Received a rather inconsequential message ("hey what's up?") from this 23 year old charmer:

My Self-Summary:
Hi. I'm Dan. I'm a smart ass and I exaggerate things for humor a lot of times. So if you're a crybaby and you can't accept yourself for who you are while having me make fun of you for it.. we probably wouldn't get along. Also I do talk about sex sometimes.. I think everyone does at one point or another.. so if you're like some massive immature child and you can't accept the facts of life then take your shit elsewhere.

Under I'm really good at he lists, "winning debates" -- could this guy be raising any more red flags?

Sifting Through More Messages

• hmmm.... a law student who also says Wife Swap and Trading Spouses are his guilty pleasures, BUT he's in Lansing.  Also profile raising a few red flags: under "The 6 things I could never live without" he lists: "Friends, family, pizza, my bed, and music" (I realize law students aren't the most mathematical but come on.) Deleted.
• Seems pretty clear that when OKCupid! is telling me "Y'all Got Issues" I should trust them. (For real -- usually on someone's profile it says "The 2 of you" and you can compare how alike you are, but for some really bad matches it says that.) Delete.
• I'm really not a snob about stuff like this, BUT one of the questions you can answer is ""Wherefore art thou Romeo!" What does "wherefore" mean in this context?" If you are going to answer this publicly you should make sure and get it right (hint: it doesn't mean "how"). Delete. Honestly wouldn't care if someone didn't know this -- just find it odd to answer the question if you don't know. Guess I am more intellectually insecure than he is.
• Deleting someone with the username "JihadJustin"
• Kind of feel bad about this, but absolutely have to delete a guy who admits to playing Magic the Gathering.
• Am not dating a 39 year old. 
• Some guy messaged me with a very long proposal about how the solution to the gay marriage issue is to make marriage a completely civil institution... He then says: "Even if you don't like me, I would seriously appreciate feedback on my idea before I use it in conversation"  Sorry buddy.
• Deleting a message that just makes me feel depressed after reading it. The subject is "I don't know where to start..." and the opening line is, "...honestly. I've done this so many times and with so little result. I know this is probably a terrible way to start a message, but it is the truth. I don't want to bore you to death so I'll just say that from your profile you seemed like a pretty cool person." You really should have gone with your first instinct, yes, that is a terrible way to start a message, and by simply calling attention to how terrible it is does not make it any less terrible.

Woohoo! I'm done clearing out my inbox. I have 13 messages left, some seem more promising than others and for the first time actually feel a little bit optimistic about the whole thing. (Some seemingly interesting guys got lost in the crowd.)

Organizing My OKC Inbox (excitement personified!)

This is a tragedy. I spent hours cleaning up my OKC inbox (meaning I deleted tons of messages from people I would never respond to) and was keeping meticulous notes about the more ridiculous ones, and guess what happened? The damn blog didn't save... and all my messages are deleted. Oy.


So here is a less than complete account of my night:

• Deleted all "winks" -- if it is this hard for me to respond to actual messages, there is no way I can respond to a wink without more. 
• Deleted all guys with kids. Maybe in 10 years when I am still single, and slightly more desperate I will be more willing to consider this. Definitely not ready yet. Also, pretty confident I won't be a good match with the guy who told me he likes to spend his weekend hanging out with his son and 4-Wheeling with his buddies. 
• Deleted a Canadian Med student who in his "What I am doing with my life" section talks for 5 (long) sentences about he isn't sure if he wants to divulge what his profession is, because he thinks it may attract the wrong kind of attention and he doesn't want to flaunt his social status. Then he spends 15 (very long) sentences talking about how being a doctor is the greatest thing in the world because it gives him a chance to use all of his intellectual gifts to help people.
• Was very torn about deleting a guy who listed as one of his favorite books "The Giver" -- sorry, even in 5th grade I thought it was simplistic. The reason I'm so torn is that he also listed "Pride and Prejudice" which is my favorite book, and I have a soft spot for any guy who likes Jane Austen. Ended up keeping him.
• Definitely, and without any hesitation, deleted a guy who messaged me asking me some hypothetical about who would win in a fight between a ninja, pirate and zombie or something like that. Like I guess I get why some people might like to have this discussion, but it would honestly irritate the hell out of me. 
• Deleted a 1L from Detroit Mercy. Definitely not breaking my no law student rule for him.
• Deleted anyone under 24. I feel like he would have to be an incredibly mature 22/23 year old for it to even have a possibility of working out -- and someone who messages me with the subject ";)" is probably not that guy.
• Deleted a guy who had no profile filled out at all -- and his picture was of him (shirtless) at the gym taking a picture of himself with his phone.

Still have a page of messages to go through -- but I am feeling good that I am at least starting to narrow it down to guys who I think at least hypothetically I would not be completely opposed to getting coffee with (maybe!)

Strangest Message (yet)

Some of the messages I get are nice and normal, and make me feel really bad about not responding. Others run the gamut from being very MySpace-esque (remember MySpace?) like "hey cutie, what's up?" to strangely confrontational (like critiquing things in my profile).

This one from "yourlast" is by far the most bizarre. The subject line is: "It's good to be unique" and the message says:
I already don't think it would ever work, even though you fit my usual girl friend type. Attractive, atypical, and annoying intelligent.
I just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading your profile, and wish I had the motivation to put that much thought into something that is probably a huge waste of time, but still enjoyable none the less.
Ok, that's it. Just thought I would share. 

I just don't get the strategy behind this... is he hoping that by calling me annoying (because I seem intelligent?) and then giving me a very transparently backhanded compliment about putting thought into something that is just a waste of my time (on what exactly, my profile, law school?) it will be like reverse psychology and I will message him back out of curiosity?

 After checking out his profile, I have to say I agree with his assessment of the likelihood of things working out between us. He is a Christian (nothing against Christians, just know it would not be a good match for me) and wants to be a lawyer. (I have a clear no law student / lawyer rule on my profile.)

First an Explanation

To make a long story short: I freaked out about being single on my 27th birthday and after much deliberation (I'm a law student so there is much deliberation in everything I do) signed up for the dating website okcupid.com because it seemed to have a fairly good track record with 20somethings in my similar situation.

It has been about a month and I have finally finished my profile (nearly), uploaded two pictures, received a bunch of messages, and "winks" (I think the equivalent of a facebook "poke"), invited friends over to help me sift through the messages and scout any potential guys, and have even saved a few to my "favorites" list. I have yet to respond to any message, or take the first step in messaging anyone. Baby steps.

This experience is a potential humor goldmine so I decided I need to blog about it.

Credit to Maia for the brilliant name.