A partner not a pet

I thought I'd given up on the blog, but then I received this absolute gem of a message:

Well all I'm looking for is someone who wants something simple and satisfying, not just a one night stand. I want someone who at the end of the day wants to get together watch a movie cuddled on the couch and fool around. I will say I do enjoy things a little rough, hair pulling, spanking, and lip biting are a few of my favorites. Otherwise I'm fairly vanilla and boring as for what I like to do to pass the time, I really enjoy good food so someone who wants to help make dinner at the end of a long day would be nice or someone who feels like getting out a bit and taking in a few of the sites.

The rest of his profile is just as weird. Nearly all of his pictures are him posing goofily with various wax celebs at Madame Tussaud's, like Woody Allen and Martin Luther King Jr. (hilarious!!). 

He is also extremely particular about what he is looking for in a woman: 

I'm looking for someone who wants to do fun little things with me on a daily basis, a workout and dinner companion who wants to see me as often as possible. I like being active but do enjoy those relaxing days at home.

My ideal woman is a contradiction. I want a partner not a pet, someone like me who has a career and a plan. Someone who like me has put their personal life on the back burner for a little bit and now that we've got the professional side squared away it's time to build the relationship side. I like a strong woman with her own opinions but at the same time she has a softer side that likes to let down her guard with me. A woman that likes to curl up in my lap at the end of a hard day or that randomly likes to be held tightly when she feels lonely. I do enjoy those lazy days that are spent laying on the couch together, hopefully you do too.

Any Commentary Would Be Superfluous

Just received this:

Hey, how are you? Can i ask if you would let a guy serve as your domestic slave? Nothing sexual, could just have me do chores, clean, run errands, serve as a driver, anything you want

Andy Kaufman is Alive and Well and Messaging Me on OKCupid

Andy Kaufman (or as he is better known now: the guy who was played by Jim Carrey in that movie from the 90s with Courtney Love back when she seemed to be kind of holding it together) became famous for 'The Foreign Man' a character he invented while doing stand-up and then played with only a slight variation as Latka Graves on the sitcom Taxi. The Foreign Man was a bumbling, extremely clueless, but indisputably sweet and well-intentioned, heavily accented, recent immigrant from a made up Eastern European country. Watch the first few moments of the clip below for an example.

I bring this up not merely to reminisce about my late-90s movie-going experiences but because I just received a message from a guy who simply must be proof that Andy Kaufman faked his own death (snopes.com be damned) and is now doing performance art on OKCupid. Check it out, I really think I'm on to something: 

My self-summary

Well im very nice guy :), who like to meet new people and discover new cultures and show mines!!! im friendly, like to parties and also good talks!!. im openmind and respect others ways of think!

You should message me if

if you can catch me ;) ....

Thank you very much.

Cannibal Cop's OKC Profile

You can read it on Gawker here.

Sadly, his profile is probably better than average.

Another Male Perspective / Guest Blogger: I Love to Read About You Loving to Laugh

My apologies dear readers for the lag time between posts. Blogging is apparently much easier to do in law school than as a lawyer. Fortunately many of my talented and funny friends are also embarking on the absurdity that is online dating. The following is written by Jesse:

Ladies - suppose, just for a second, that I am a potential significant other of yours. This is the central conceit of any online dating service, for the most part. 

Now, try to figure out what the most common bit of information given by women on OK Cupid is. The movies they love? No. Their jobs? Not close. What they're looking for in a partner? Eh.

Overwhelmingly, it is that they love to laugh. Just love it. Adore it. Often with friends and families, I suppose to assure all of us that they are not random laughing lunatics parading around their neighborhood giggling uncontrollably at litter and street signs. 

But why does anyone share this information? Is there something about the physical reaction to humor and/or tickling that's in doubt for a significant portion of the female population? Are ladies' nights out spent staring stone-faced into umbrella-stabbed drinks, talking about famine? Do you sit around watching YouTube clips of kittens falling off tables, working your laughing muscles from a mild titter into a full-throated guffaw? 

After asking numerous women with the known ability to laugh, they all coalesced around a roughly similar take on the "I love to laugh" (ILTL) line: it's what people with nothing interesting or funny to say about themselves write in order to seem interesting or funny. 

This is not meant to consign anyone with ILTL in their profile to the bitter dustbin of horrific, sour doom. You're a living human being who has almost certainly not been through anything so horrific or earth-shattering as to completely devastate your ability to tell or enjoy a joke. So instead of tossing out ILTL, tell a joke. Say something funny or self-deprecating about yourself. Even talk about the kind of funny things you like, if you can't think of an actual funny thing to say. 

But for the love of all that is sweet and merciful, do not use ILTL unless you're also going to list other basic facts of the human condition that apply to you, such as your deep enjoyment of respiration and the utter delight you take in how letters combine into words that you can then use to communicate ideas and concepts. If you're going to pull an ILTL, do it all the way.

A Male Perspective: The Dirty Little Truth Behind Stock Messages Revealed

The following was sent to me from a guy, who shall remain nameless, in response to my initial post on how much I hate stock messages. Prepare to have your mind blown. Mine was.

A while ago, when I was bored, I started up an OKC profile to amuse myself. 

I spent most of the time on there experimenting with stock messages I could send to 20 or 30 girls at once. You see, there are two big issues with OKC. One is that any remotely attractive girl gets tons of messages, so the signal-to-noise ratio is garbage and it's just not worth the time to craft something unique to every girl. The second is that 90+% of those girls basically have identical profiles with the exact same shit written in them and the exact same kissy-face out-at-the-bar-with-friends picture. 

The solution to both is to send something slightly shocking but amusing to large swaths of women at once. You might be surprised how well it works. You might really be surprised that it works FAR BETTER than sending personalized messages that actually show careful reading of your profile. The fact that stock messages are irritating, as you point out, is actually beneficial - irritating at least prompts an emotional reaction in the reader, which is a better outcome than the complete indifference to the competing messages she received.

The best stock messages accuse the girl of something off-beat, prompting both humor and a defense response.
I repeatedly used the "bet with the friend you're male" message, a little tweaked for individuality (it's been floating around the internet in various versions for about 4 years). My "friend" was female, a fact that 0 of the recipients called out despite the messages usually being sent between 11 PM and 12:30 AM (if “she” was “looking over my shoulder,” we’d be in bed together…). I also added one fact from the recipient's profile as a reason why she was "totally a dude" - usually “a profile with so little information,” or that "only a dude would really like" The Big Lebowski/Dexter/UFC/whatever. The message had roughly a 75% response rate, with the vast majority of those being positive/willing to maintain the conversation. Only ONE girl (out of maybe 100-150?) said she had seen the message before, and she still messaged me back numerous times afterwards.

Occasionally, I got lazy, and didn’t bother tweaking the “reason she was male” between profiles, often resulting in a “reason” that made no sense for the profile I was messaging. Another time, I accidentally copied and pasted less than the full message to several girls, cutting off a portion of the message in a strange manner. These errors made no difference in response rate or receptivity to further contact.

By now, you're probably wondering what kind of lady falls for this crap. In truth? All sorts. I met several. They ran the gamut from brick-dumb to smart as hell, snarky to cheerful, ultraflaky to responsible.

So not only are stock messages effective in their own right, they are actually more effective than personalized messages. I am shocked. Women of OkCupid I think we need to talk.

A Deciedly Less Thorough Examination of 'Stock' Messages

Not a whole lot to add to my last post (which I have to imagine is the most in-depth analysis out there on the art of the stock online dating message -- yes that is the extent of my  dedication to you my dear readers) but just received 2 I thought were worth sharing.

Message 1:
Hi, I really like your profile. How's your weekend so far? 

Contrast with Message 2:

Greetings. How are you doing? I hope all is well. 

I found your profile really interesting and thought I will send you a shout out (Oops now my throat hurts!!). You seem like a person who is smart, kind and full of life, so I guess you are probably an endangered species lol. 

I can tell you a little bit about me: I am 31, work in Bethesda, MD as a software engineer (enough with the dumb guy jokes already). I am laid back, sarcastic and relatively simple. Some of the things I really enjoy are visiting museums, hiking, running, going on random road trips, and playing cards. I love watching college and professional football and am a big fan of the New England Patriots. 

Just a quirk about me: I turned vegetarian seven years ago, it was not that I realized that I like animals, I just realized that I hated plants so much. lol just kidding. 

Anyway I will end now. I hope to hear from you sometime.

What's weird is I can't decide which one is worse. I'm inclined to think message 2 as it is indicative of the incredibly delightful mix of self-absorption and cluelessness whereas message 1 just shows a complete lack of effort. Guess I'm kinda torn.

A Thorough Examination of the Dreaded 'Stock' Message

One of the benefits of being a woman in the online dating world  is that I don't really have to send out any messages to go on dates since the onus is generally on the man to initiate the conversation. This is not to say that I think it's a bad idea for women to send the first message, or that I've never sent a first message, just that it's not necessary. So, in some ways I can sympathize with men who have to come up with a slew of  messages that are  pithy and clever, but don't look like they are trying to be pithy and clever. That's a lot of pressure! It's stressing me out just thinking about it

With that in mind it's really no wonder that many guys just come up with a paragraph that they think is pretty killer, and just stick with that every single time regardless of what the girl actually says in her profile.

Here's a good example of a pretty typical stock message:

How's it going? Hope you are having a great week. I actually drove to the Blue Ridge Mountains last     weekend, and climbed Old Rag Mountain with my friends. The view was gorgeous. I really love how the leaves were changing colors from orange to yellow to brown. I love this the most about Fall. 

What do you like most about the Fall? Are you excited for Halloween?

This is clearly a stock message because he mentions not a single thing I talk about on my profile and there is also nothing on my profile (as any of you who know me would imagine) that would give any indication that I'm into mountain climbing or leaves changing color, or that I have any strong feelings about Fall one way or another. So this guy has probably sent this exact message out to hundreds of girls and he's just hoping a few (perhaps the ones who maybe coincidentally mention how much they love the Autumn, and Pumpkin Spice Lattes) will write him back. I would like to think better of the female population of DC but I'm sure he's gotten a few responses.

Now the next one is probably one of the best messages I've ever received. What makes it even better is that it's actually the second time I've gotten it. This guy sent me the exact same message around February, and then again when I reactivated my account this week:

Hi There! I liked your profile and if you don't mind me saying, I think you're totally attractive! I hope my compliment didn't make you blush too terribly yet, made you smile. Having said that, I believe we have common interests and the chemistry in becoming friends and possibly more. How about we  chat then, maybe meet for lunch and/or dinner to enjoy a tasty meal, fun conversation and laughs. 
Hope you liked what I had to say, you're remotely interested and if you want to of course. V :-)

Back in February I was still relatively new to the DC online dating scene and wasn't as familiar with the stock message phenomenon (I think because the number of people was so much less in Ann Arbor guys had more time to craft personal messages). I enjoyed the message back then, purely for the content. Knowing now that this guy has probably spent hours perfecting this message makes it even better. Even stranger, this guy then sent me another message a few hours later which consisted entirely of:

     Hi.

This made me curious, so I decided to check out his profile. It turns out he's a 35 year old from Fredericksburg Virginia, who under "I'm Really Good At" answered:

     Kissing. Actually, I'd have to say, being a companion and great friend.

Yep.

There is also a darker side to the stock message that I haven't mentioned yet. These are the weirdly manipulative ones and can be much harder to pick out (although since they are generally weird -- they are usually rejected on that basis). Unfortunately, I deleted all the messages when I deactivated a few months ago, so I don't have any actual messages I can share verbatim. Fortunately, you'll get the gist.

One was a message I received when I initially signed up for OkCupid in DC. He said something to the effect that he and his friend had been reading through my profile and his friend was convinced that my profile had been written by a guy and they bet $10 about it. The messager wanted me to write back and confirm I had actually written it so he could win $10 from his friend. Now I found this very off-putting because I think he intended it as a compliment (as in men are better writers, or funnier, or whatever, so I should be flattered) so I didn't write him back on that basis, but it didn't cross my mind that it was a stock message. Lo and behold, about a month later I'm gchatting w/ one of my friends who had just opened an account. She had literally just put up her pictures and hadn't even filled out her profile at all and she got the exact same message. Creeeepy.

Similarly creepy (but in a different kind of way) was a  message I received, from a guy, asking me why I had never written back to his earlier message, that it had made him sad because he thought we had a lot in common etc. When I  first read it I genuinely thought he had messaged me before and I hadn't written him back (and didn't care -- he seemed odd and I wasn't going to write back anyway) but then I heard from another friend that she had received the exact same message and so had a friend of hers. As you suspect, he had never even sent the first message. I guess he thought it was a good dating strategy to go for lying / guilt card right away. I mean really, why wait?

The moral of the story is that stock messages are dumb, and irritating and in some cases kind of psychotic. I completely expect that most guys have some sort of initial stock message that they then supplement with references to something the girl actually writes about on her profile. This is completely fine. My general rule of thumb is that if I can't tell from your message that you even read my profile at all I'm going to delete it without any hesitation. After all, having a guy send the exact same message to me and a few of my friends is probably not the best way to start a relationship.

Back and Better [and not even more Bitter] Than Ever

Yes... I am back to blogging about my internet dating travails and of course more importantly about all my clueless, socially awkward, sociopathic, creepy and just truly disturbing fellow online daters out there .

Since my last post (over a year and a half ago) I graduated from law school, left Michigan, got a job as a lawyer, moved to DC, and entered full steam ahead into the comic tragedy that is the DC dating world (both online and in real life). I initially decided that I wouldn't resume the blog (despite many requests to the contrary, I swear this blog is probably the greatest success of my life). My reasoning being that the blog, while very enjoyable and a bit cathartic, was a distraction from the real point of online dating which is to, you know, date and maybe find someone you really like and who hopefully likes you back.

Many, many months, a bunch of dates (some from online some not), and a few pseudo-relationships later (with guys whom I did not meet on OkCupid) I've come to the realization that online dating is just inherently absurd and I simply must continue writing about it.  OkCupid is my muse, and I cannot in good conscience keep denying the inspiration my muse provides. I also realized that I can blog about the many weirdos, and still go out on dates in good faith (annoying lawyer term) with guys that seem cool. I'm not sure yet if I'll blog about any of my dates, just the bad ones or all of them. I guess I'll figure that part out as I go.

Now, Ann Arbor was truly a great source of material (between the uber-pretentious PhD students, asshole business school students, socially awkward google employees, and the randoms from the surrounding area) so I questioned whether DC could possibly live up to it. As will you come to learn DC has not only met  every expectation but exceeded them. and how.  Just to whet your appetite, I will say that I feel extremely confident in asserting that there is no other city in the world which contains as many profiles per capita in which the answer to the "What are you doing with your life?" question, contains some variation of, "saving the world." I'd estimate that about a third of the male online dating population in DC is saving the world (although some are only doing it it ironically). It's actually pretty remarkable, and I hope makes you feel a lot better about the future of our world to know there are so many men in their late 20s and early 30s that are out there saving it, and still even have time to date online in their off-time.

So get ready, and enjoy!

Summer Hiatus

Just like my favorite life analogy, television sitcoms, my blog is going on a summer hiatus.

I will resume blogging once summer is over, the bar has been taken, law school is but a distant memory and I am living a life of poverty in NY.

Stay tuned!

Hella smart AND funny

See below:
Just watned to say hi. I'm laid back and have a great sense of humor. hahaha just kidding. my sense of humor is in the gutter and requires no thought.

so how come you have misgivings about being a lawyer? you know they are necessary because not everyone can stand up for themselves. the jobs seem to be lacking at this time, but i dont think that will be for long.

just want to say that you're cute but actually seem a bit smarter than i assumed. i dont mean to sound rude lol. but im really hella smart and i dont meet smart people that often except at work. i mean i'm a genius.

"That may be the worst msg I've ever read"

Girls don't you worry, Prince Charming is alive and well, is living in Michigan and even has his own OkCupid account. Read on:

I have no choice, After seeing your picture I had to write something to you, like I love your pictures. I did catch what you were looking for, and what would you know, I have a, I'm a guy who likes girls. I have a. was about to be my snarky comment, Which i have more class then talking about naughty bits, (^-^*) ....... you're pretty *drool*

His profile perhaps explains a bit:

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

hockey puck to the head and it did something.

I hope he is joking.

Carry-On or Check?

Just received a message from a 41 year old who says in his You should message me if section:

You aren't afraid to take a chance on a genuine guy who comes with some baggage (but can handle it all on his own), but is very willing to give a lot to develop a long-term relationship.

I honestly can't think of a person I'd rather date less than a 41 year old who lacks enough self-awareness to realize that proclaiming you have "baggage" is quite possibly the biggest turn off imaginable. 

On the plus side he does sing karaoke and describes it as, "a minor passion." Hmmm...

I Think I'm in LOVE

Conventional wisdom is that women are often attracted to unavailable men. I think this might be the strategy that Johnm4u is going for and if so it is brilliant:

My self-summary:

I am going to be short. I don't have anything that I can offer to any women. I have taken upon myself to be single for six months. Not what you want to hear. I am putting my life back together, by myself. If you are still reading this stop and look at someone elses.

The first thing people notice about me:

Don't really care what people notice.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

nothing, why think about doing something do it, and stop reading the rest of this profile.

The last question is what makes me convinced this is a clever strategic ploy.

You should message me if:
If you made it this far, your probably thinking I can help this guy...I don't want help, I am happy for right now...If you are that persistant message me, but don't get your hopes up.'


Is it just me or does this guy sound GREAT!?!

MOST freaky yet

Read this:

Don't press the red button
Nice to meet you. As you can guess, I saw your profile and wanted to offer my two cents. You can also check my profile out as well for a better idea of the man behind the message.

Anyhow! This may sound like a cliche, but I am a nice, normal, safe, sane guy with a hidden dark streak of eroticism. For some reason woman feel really comfortable talking to me and telling me their most intimate desires. Maybe it's because I am a good listener. I don't know, but if you are a sexual submissive who would like to explore some of your desires I believe I am the perfect friend for you. I am very busy with work and too busy for drama, much like yourself. I can be that someone you trust and get together with on occasion. I can help you unleash your 'inner slut.' If it evolves, possibly more.


I have been described as an angel with a wicked smile. Someone who is nice but emits a mysterious and mischievous aura. I will make you feel perfectly safe in my presence as I will respect and abide by all limits given to me. .


So what do you think? Shall we chat more?

His profile is even worse:
Here's the opening paragraph of his My self-summary section:

Some men are gentle and some men are mean. Some girls want to be treated like delicate little flowers, and some girls need to be fucked rough like dirty whores. Some men would never lay a hand on a pretty young girl, and some men know that sometimes a girl needs a spanking, needs to be slapped, needs to be held down and used. It doesn't take a dominant or a sadist to understand what a girl might need. And you don't have to be submissive to yearn for a man to put you in your place.

Some girls make it a point of pride to always be in control, and some girls don't mind being made to beg.

Guess which type of man I am? Guess which type of girl I'm looking for?

Somehow I have a feeling this is not going to turn out well for the girl involved, as his profile screams shrilly "I'm a sexual predator." This is really the dark underbelly of OKCupid right here, please just go back to Craigs List buddy.

and here's to you Mrs Robinson

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

WWSKD?

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Pathetic Guys Finish Last

It's 2011 and as promised I have reactivated my OkCupid account for the time being and boy am I glad I did. 5 minutes in and I already have material for a whole new blog post as I just received a message from a 25 year old guy from Monroe, Michigan containing the following:
I love movies and can probably recite every line from a few from memory. I also love music especially live music. I am fun, outgoing, and my most common description from my friends is that I am a " great guy". Nice guys finish last in my experience though. Who knows maybe you'll prove me wrong!

Apparently this guy thinks this is a pretty good line as he also uses it in his The first things people usually notice about me section:
Most people say that I am a really genuinely nice guy but I think nice guys must finish last when it comes to dating because I have had some bad luck! Maybe you can prove me wrong!

Not to sound hyper-critical and bitchy (oh whatever) but this is just pathetic. There is nothing less appealing (besides repeated mentions of Dungeons & Dragons) than self-proclaimed nice guys complaining about their luck with women. If your message is any indicator you are "finishing last" not because you are a "great guy" but because you are a passive aggressive doormat who is unable to even project self-confidence on the internet.

I also don't think it would work out, I'm not sure how I feel about "music" I think I just "like" it.

I'm baaaaaaack (for now)

Finals are here, and I of course being a very efficient utilizer of time thought now would be the perfect occasion for a blog update.

I'm still deactivated until 2011 (which makes this whole thing sound rather dramatic) but fortunately Maia isn't and even more fortunately she is still receiving creepy messages from weirdos. Case in point, see the follwoing sent from a 44 year old bisexual man from Petoskey Michigan.

if'n

Dec. 15, 2010 – 4:07pm

If I could stand bad TV, then would ask you out for a slice of pie, which you probably wouldn't be inclined to do with somebody living in the distant tundra and approaching its hundredth birthday. If, if, and if you even get this through your filters. I will be in A2 next week and there til new years if you're looking for somebody to walk barefoot through Eberwhite Woods with...

~kev

Kev loves "learning languages" and you can tell by the occasional Spanish word peppered throughout his profile (like "mis pasatiempos"). He also describes himself as adventurous, engaged and egalitarian." Not sure exactly what he means by "egalitarian" in the context of a dating website. 

His response to the "What am I doing with my life?" is Enjoying the adventure called "life". I'm a bit confused by the quotation marks. 

Gandhi (and people who love treacle cliches) would be very proud of his, what I am assuming is not ironic, answer to the "I'm really good at" section which is "opening doors of opportunity, and being the change I want to see in the world."

The worst and in my opinion most unforgivable part of the entire profile is his answer to the "you should message me if" section: open to meeting strangers, hearing their stories, learning from their stories, living, living, and living actively, not in front of a TV, but engaging in conversation, preferable with drinks and maybe even smoky treats........ if you desire to expand your horizons.

Thanks Kev you have provided me even more evidence for my theory about the direct correlation between being snotty about television and being an insufferable douchebag.