A Thorough Examination of the Dreaded 'Stock' Message

One of the benefits of being a woman in the online dating world  is that I don't really have to send out any messages to go on dates since the onus is generally on the man to initiate the conversation. This is not to say that I think it's a bad idea for women to send the first message, or that I've never sent a first message, just that it's not necessary. So, in some ways I can sympathize with men who have to come up with a slew of  messages that are  pithy and clever, but don't look like they are trying to be pithy and clever. That's a lot of pressure! It's stressing me out just thinking about it

With that in mind it's really no wonder that many guys just come up with a paragraph that they think is pretty killer, and just stick with that every single time regardless of what the girl actually says in her profile.

Here's a good example of a pretty typical stock message:

How's it going? Hope you are having a great week. I actually drove to the Blue Ridge Mountains last     weekend, and climbed Old Rag Mountain with my friends. The view was gorgeous. I really love how the leaves were changing colors from orange to yellow to brown. I love this the most about Fall. 

What do you like most about the Fall? Are you excited for Halloween?

This is clearly a stock message because he mentions not a single thing I talk about on my profile and there is also nothing on my profile (as any of you who know me would imagine) that would give any indication that I'm into mountain climbing or leaves changing color, or that I have any strong feelings about Fall one way or another. So this guy has probably sent this exact message out to hundreds of girls and he's just hoping a few (perhaps the ones who maybe coincidentally mention how much they love the Autumn, and Pumpkin Spice Lattes) will write him back. I would like to think better of the female population of DC but I'm sure he's gotten a few responses.

Now the next one is probably one of the best messages I've ever received. What makes it even better is that it's actually the second time I've gotten it. This guy sent me the exact same message around February, and then again when I reactivated my account this week:

Hi There! I liked your profile and if you don't mind me saying, I think you're totally attractive! I hope my compliment didn't make you blush too terribly yet, made you smile. Having said that, I believe we have common interests and the chemistry in becoming friends and possibly more. How about we  chat then, maybe meet for lunch and/or dinner to enjoy a tasty meal, fun conversation and laughs. 
Hope you liked what I had to say, you're remotely interested and if you want to of course. V :-)

Back in February I was still relatively new to the DC online dating scene and wasn't as familiar with the stock message phenomenon (I think because the number of people was so much less in Ann Arbor guys had more time to craft personal messages). I enjoyed the message back then, purely for the content. Knowing now that this guy has probably spent hours perfecting this message makes it even better. Even stranger, this guy then sent me another message a few hours later which consisted entirely of:

     Hi.

This made me curious, so I decided to check out his profile. It turns out he's a 35 year old from Fredericksburg Virginia, who under "I'm Really Good At" answered:

     Kissing. Actually, I'd have to say, being a companion and great friend.

Yep.

There is also a darker side to the stock message that I haven't mentioned yet. These are the weirdly manipulative ones and can be much harder to pick out (although since they are generally weird -- they are usually rejected on that basis). Unfortunately, I deleted all the messages when I deactivated a few months ago, so I don't have any actual messages I can share verbatim. Fortunately, you'll get the gist.

One was a message I received when I initially signed up for OkCupid in DC. He said something to the effect that he and his friend had been reading through my profile and his friend was convinced that my profile had been written by a guy and they bet $10 about it. The messager wanted me to write back and confirm I had actually written it so he could win $10 from his friend. Now I found this very off-putting because I think he intended it as a compliment (as in men are better writers, or funnier, or whatever, so I should be flattered) so I didn't write him back on that basis, but it didn't cross my mind that it was a stock message. Lo and behold, about a month later I'm gchatting w/ one of my friends who had just opened an account. She had literally just put up her pictures and hadn't even filled out her profile at all and she got the exact same message. Creeeepy.

Similarly creepy (but in a different kind of way) was a  message I received, from a guy, asking me why I had never written back to his earlier message, that it had made him sad because he thought we had a lot in common etc. When I  first read it I genuinely thought he had messaged me before and I hadn't written him back (and didn't care -- he seemed odd and I wasn't going to write back anyway) but then I heard from another friend that she had received the exact same message and so had a friend of hers. As you suspect, he had never even sent the first message. I guess he thought it was a good dating strategy to go for lying / guilt card right away. I mean really, why wait?

The moral of the story is that stock messages are dumb, and irritating and in some cases kind of psychotic. I completely expect that most guys have some sort of initial stock message that they then supplement with references to something the girl actually writes about on her profile. This is completely fine. My general rule of thumb is that if I can't tell from your message that you even read my profile at all I'm going to delete it without any hesitation. After all, having a guy send the exact same message to me and a few of my friends is probably not the best way to start a relationship.